Family | All Things Women

What does a male midwife know about childbirth?

Jul 142009

As I listened to the news tonight, I had to applaud the audacity of a male midwife to speak about women and whether or not they should receive drugs during childbirth. As one of those mothers who was never going to use drugs, I have to say that each birth I gave a little more ground because each birth became increasingly more painful.

For my first child, I went without and you know what? I ended up in shock for the first few hours of my new babies life. Why? Because I had no idea just how painful childbirth was going to be.

My second child, I set out the same pathway, but when they offered me the gas during transition, I decided I was not as brave as I had been previously, knowing exactly what was coming! So I said, “Yes, please” and even when they wanted me to stop puffing in the gas I was dragging on it like it was a lifeline!

Baby number 3 was spine on spine and way more painful than the others had been. This time I opted to go into hospital and get Pethadine administered as the pain was unbearable. I spent six hours of agony, wondering why I hadn’t opted for the Epidural but reminding myself that it had associated risks I wasn’t prepared to chance.

Then baby number 4 – the boy! Well I was doing really well. I just was going somewhere cool in my headspace with every contraction. But then they decided it wasn’t going fast enough and decided to administer Oxymatocin to get things moving along. Well I went from “the silent achiever” to “the noisy screamer” in just 1 short hour. I was begging the doctor to get that baby out, so he obligingly pushed open my cervix, another excruciating agony! The Pethadine they administered didn’t even touch the sides, and so when this baby was born, I was once again in shock at how awful the birth process had become. This was one reason why I suffered post natal depression following this child’s birth. He spent the first 12 hours in a humidicrib and I was the anxious mother unable to hold her babe.

So I guess I am one of those pro-natural baby delivery women, with as little outside intervention as possible, however, a little drug intervention can make the whole process more bearable. I don’t think I would ever describe childbirth as enjoyable! But the end result is always worth the effort.

If you would like to hear more about this, pop over to Blokeslib.com for the debate this week. Promises to be exciting!

A Joyous Funeral

Family, Featured Article No Responses »

Jul 122009

You wouldn’t think that a time of loss could be happy, but apart from the occassional downpour of tears long suppressed, my Dad’s funeral was a very joyous occasion. I sat next to my brave uncle with a broken neck and wearing a halo (screwed to his skull) who held my hand throughout the service on one side and my widowed step mother on the other. I felt both their shaking bodies as they mourned the loss of my dad – for one his dearest brother and the other a love found late in life. I was also surrounded by family and friends which just seeemed to warm me to the core having been so isolated by living on the opposite side of the continent to most of them. My best friend from school and her mother, sat a few rows back smiling their encouragement as I delivered the Eulogy I had prepared (with a few embellishments that drew laughter from the sombre gathering) and there was also a smattering of relatives I hadn’t seen for many years.

Then after the service, we sipped pumpkin soup from foam cups and ate jam and scones in the rectory. It was a really lovely service where a few shared their memories of Arthur and the reconnection with my family and friends had only just begun.

We then did the customary visit to the RSL Club, of which my Dad had been a long term member. He’d taught me how to play Snooker and Darts, but fortunately I’d never developed his love of the pokies. My brother and his fiance had a punt on the pokies in Dad’s honour and managed to cash in $500 cash between them – we all felt that was Dad’s way of being part of our day. I played Snooker with my best friend on one table and my brother with his on the next. The four of us had many adventures as young people and we sat and traded insults as only brothers, sister’s and their friends can. It was a lovely day, which we decided should extend into the evening and we all gathered together at my girlfriend’s where I was staying. We played pool and ate pizza. We clowned around like when we were kids, giving warm fuzzies and laughing until our sides ached. I would never have imagined that a funeral could bring me so much joy and closure, but Dad’s did.

You see, that is the Martin style of funeral. My Dad’s side, the Martin side, always celebrated the passing from one world to the next. They remembered the good things and enjoyed the chance to be reconnected with family and friends.

Not only was my day special but the whole trip fulfilled all my secret desires that I never voiced. My brother drove me to the funeral and as we passed through the town we’d grown up in, he stopped off at the cemetary where my mother and grandparents are buried. He allowed me the time to walk and to look, to be moved to tears and he didn’t hurry me to get over it. Then he slowly drove me through the town and showed me where we used to live and where we used to go to school. Then after the funeral, he took me to my uncle’s farm. He could not have known how much I wanted to smell the fresh bush air and the stench that comes from cow patties. Yet, there we were, looking out over a beautiful valley from my Uncle’s house up on the hill. He also couldn’t have known how much I wanted to catch up with my cousins. One cousin in particular, whom I’d thought was still living in Sydney, but discovered had moved to the Barossa Valley. And when I phoned her home and said I was in Sydney, the lady that answered told me I was in luck, because she had decided to go to Sydney for the weekend. And we met and spent the whole day together. It was sincerely magical.

And as I reflect back, I can see that my Dad must have been talking to God about how to make my week special. A week that started with my sister gifting me an airflight and my husband (we are separated) gifting me with money to use on the trip and ended with my flying back to Perth to be met by my family at the airport.

This funeral will be one to be treasured forever. Rest in peace, Dad and thanks to my lovely family and friends who made my leaving my children for a whole week possible. You have given me a treasured memory.

My Dad died today

Family 6 Responses »

Jul 042009

It’s funny how you can not see someone for years and yet their passing is like a knife in your soul. My Dad passed away today and at first I was just numb and relieved – he had Dimentia and I knew he was having a lot of turmoil because of the condition, so I was grateful that he had gone to a better place. But then I started to remember our time together and the loss just keeps coming in waves.

I think that the death of a parent is the worst of all deaths to bear.

I guess it will make me hug my kids tighter and love them deeper. For all those who have lost close loved ones, I am thinking of you today. May our loved ones be at peace and enjoying their life on the other side.

This is the Eulogy I’ve written for my dad:

FOR MY DAD, ARTHUR MARTIN

Some people live a charmed life

Where everything happens as they plan

But not my Dad

He lived from day to day

And he had to walk through tough times

And often live with the regret of bad decisions

Many may have looked from the outside and shook their heads

But not many saw what he endured on the inside

For although life was cruel many times over

He always had a smile and a hug to offer

He’d give away his last dollar to a mate

And he faithfully served the community through his job at TAFE

These are the things people often didn’t recognise about my Dad

When I reflect back on our life together

We both made mistakes

But Dad was there when I needed him most

And our time together in Perth

Will always be a fond memory in my heart

He brought me ice cream and he danced with me

He always was a smooth dancer

And he hugged me and told me he loved me

He was sometimes forgetful but I didn’t mind repeating myself

He always was the gentle touch in our home

I never took my pains to my mum, always my Dad

And I remember back to when I was at school

And I tore the muscles in my lower back

He was the one to care for me for the three days I was laid up

In fact, he was there for me more times than he was not

So today I thank him for the years of family life

When times were good

When we got to have fun together exploring

I thank him for singing Elvis songs to me as a child

And encouraging me to sing and dance

I thank him for teaching me the guitar

And how to ride a bike

I thank him for rescuing me from the washing machine

And teaching me how to drive a car

I thank him for sharing my wedding day

For walking me down the aisle and giving us his blessing

And I thank him for passing on the red hair to my kids

I will always think of you Dad

When I look at my son with his red hair and twinkling eyes

It is your genes that live on in him

And I hope he inherits the gentle, caring nature

And the spirit of adventure that were yours

Even your love of motorbikes and all things mechanical

You will always be close in our hearts

In Sarah, Elise’s, Emily and Adonijah’s

But especially in mine

You are free now Dad

Free to be without regret, without pain and without suffering

We celebrate you today

From Generation to Generation

Family 2 Responses »

Jun 272009

I am reminded of how gifts are passed from one generation to the next. My daughter, Sarah, is 11 years of age. She is intelligent and gifted. She is now auditioning for the talented and gifted program as a singer/visual artist. I have not really nurtured her giftings as I could have. I did the painting and creative expression stuff with her as a child and we have always been a singing family, but I really have not mentored her as I could have. All I can claim any responsibility for is passing on the intelligence genes and the musicality genes.

So here I am looking at my daughter, who is maturing into a gorgeous young woman and I am starting to see the talent that is evident there. I guess in the past she has told me she is capable of some of the stuff she is now doing with excellence, but did I believe her? I don’t think so. I think I was trying to hold her to where she was and not allowing her to have progressed. Further evidence of this is shown below.

My point in all this is that sometimes we miss the amazing gifts that are right underneath our noses because we get so busy doing life. I missed the opportunity to really nurture this talent in her but despite my lacks, she is stepping out and making it on her own and now I can step in as a support person, cheering her on to greater exploits.

What talents/gifts are there in the people around you that perhaps you are not seeing? It is too easy to always be consumed by perfection, when we are all in a process of metamorphosis. How many songs have gone to the grave unsung because we didn’t take the time to notice, to encourage those around us and to nurture their talents? I’m just glad that despite my poor efforts my daughter is determined to give this whole thing her best. There is a passion in her that I never knew existed, as I had blindly assumed that I was the only one in the family who was passionate about musical theatre and I am so proud of her.

Maths was her worst subject (she’s excelled at most things always) and I was very surprised and thrilled that just this week we went to an Awards night at her school as she was due to be getting an award. I thought she’d get it for English or Art, which are her two favourite subjects. My husband and I both looked at each other and smiled in amazement, when she was called with just a handful of others that had excelled above the levels of all others in the school and state for mathematics.

You see, in our minds, she was a failure at Maths. Thankfully, in her mind, she was not!!! This also showed me that when we are determined we can overcome our weaknesses. My daughter acknowledged her lack and she applied herself and for that I admire her courage and her ability. Well done, Sarah.

Enough of the mummy pride…just it’s fun to discover that your children are actually more like you than you thought, as she shares my determination, my ambition, my intelligence and my musical gifting. I think she gets some of those things from her father as well, so she’s got a double portion! Look out world!

Should babies be breastfed?

Family, Women No Responses »

Apr 222009

This week’s debate on @blokeslib.com is “Should children be breastfed.”.

I am representing women, Twitter username @WomenCan.

Representing men is Peter. Peter (@BlokesLib) is the person behind the popular BlokesLib phenomenon. This week Peter chose to take part in the Bring It On Hotstuff debate.

The goal here is to prove that an objective debate can be held on any topic, even those usually associated with men and/or women by both sexes. Read both sides and choose who has the most convincing argument

I have chosen to participate in this debate because I feel it is important for men and women to dialogue about issues. Last week we discussed should men stay home and women go to work or vice versa. It was a hot debate that got a lot of people discussing. I’m hopeful that the “Breast is best” debate will also get people openly communicating about the benefits of bottle and breast feeding. I certainly gained insight into how a male feels about the whole process.

Please visit the site now and vote. http://www.blokeslib.com/html/viewPage.php?ID=Bring%20It%20On%20Hotstuff